Monday, June 20, 2011

Loving You? No, Loving Me!

Now that I'm losing all of this weight (which by the way, I'm down 70lbs now - yeah!), I'm not only looking at my physical body, noticing all of the changes, but I'm also digging deep into my mental and emotional issues as well.

I'm feeling more confident about myself.  I don't have to grab my shirt and pull it down in the back every five minutes to try to hide the hump that usually clings to my shirt and reveals more to the world than I wish.  When I go to the gym, I wear form fitting workout gear now.  No more baggy shirts!  I want to see my body!  Now, I'm not a size 6, but I am the smallest I've been since I was 20-years-old.  To date, I am 265lbs!  I have 30lbs left to achieve my goal of 100lbs lost by my 41st birthday!  I WILL get there and then some!  My final weight goal I'd like to be between 135-150lbs.

I went to Lane Bryant this weekend looking for an outfit for an event I have to go to this week and usually, my shirts are 22-24.  I grabbed a 18-20 and a 14-16 (just to see how far away I am from wearing this size).  The 14-16 top was actually baggy on me!!!  It's a stretchy material, but WHO CARES - IT FITS GREAT!  My pants (both jeans and dress pants), I usually wear a 26-28.  I can proudly say that I'm now comfortably wearing a size 20!  I am focused and will continue this weight release!

As far as my mental and emotional levels of comfort, let me just say, I was tested a few weeks ago.  I know I told you that I have only loved two men in my life besides my Dad.  Both of these men I've known for years.  Well, one of my best girlfriends was in town a few weeks ago and we met up for lunch.  She hadn't seen me since I started my journey and was extremely surprised and happy to see my accomplishments.  Where we met for lunch was an area that I stayed away from for several years because it was an area that I used to frequent with this man that I cared so much about (talk about fear).  My friendship with this man was pretty good in the beginning.  He was my first true love and trust me, he meant so much to me that he could've got all my goodies!  It was almost like I was back in high school once again.  Remember those feelings of excitement, butterflies in the stomach, wondering if he's thinking about you all day like you were thinking about him, well, that was me.  The only problem with that was, it was only me.  He didn't feel the same way I did.  He was even honest and told me that he just wanted to be friends, but I would listen to my heart and then some of our friends would co-sign on what my heart was telling me, so I fell right in.  Needless to say, it didn't turn out the way I wanted.

During lunch with my girlfriend, I just didn't feel comfortable.  I was thinking what would happen if I saw him again?  When I was at home or at the gym, I was cool because I wasn't anywhere near him.  I would say to myself that I probably wouldn't see him again, but if I did, I'd be okay.  What?!  What do you mean that you thought you'd be okay?  How could a human being have such a hold on another human being's heart?!  It's a lot deeper than that.  I had to realize that no one has a hold on you unless YOU allow it!  Crystal, you are stronger and better than that!  You've come a LONG way and no matter who it is that has affected you in the past or will become a part of your future, understand that they need to be happy that they are with you!  Sure, don't let the ego get the best of you, but you love you and you are blessed, so rock it!

Any way, while my girlfriend and I were in this area, guess who I bumped into after 6 years?  You guessed it! After the hot flash past me by, it turned out to be a very good reunion!  He definitely noticed the weight loss and breast reduction (LOL)!  Being around him made it feel like "the good" old times.  It was really nice seeing him again.  We hugged and it reminded me of that security I felt with him in the past, but I had to realize that it's just a friendly hug that I give to all of my friends and that I am secure within myself!  Time to move forward!  Now all is right in the world.

I speak and try hard to stay positive everyday.  I want my subconscious to know that I'm a beautiful strong individual that's conquering fears from my past and ready to conquer my career and continue to move forward in helping others strive to achieve their purpose in life!  It was good seeing the man that I loved for so long again.  I know that when God blesses me with the right man, I'll know!  He'll see me and accept me for who I am and so will I...

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