Friday, December 3, 2010
Had a rough day today. I got on the scale after being on this program for a week and I only lost 2 lbs! I WAS PISSED!!!!! I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing. I really thought that I would’ve at least lost 7 lbs. That or more. I honestly was looking for that number. My clothes were getting baggy, I was getting more energy. Although my feet were tingling, I was feeling better. I’ve been working out harder and more frequently. I just knew I was going to be happy with the scale, but NO!!!! It’s SEVERLY disturbing knowing that I’m barely eating and not losing hardly anything. I can’t even tell you how pissed I am.
I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Christmas is right around the corner and financially, I can’t do what I'd really would like to for family and friends this year because of all of my medical bills following my surgeries – it’s frustrating! Every time I blink, there’s a new bill. I just don’t know what to do right now. I thought I was going to fall out and have a temper tantrum on my floor, but I’ve realized that that wasn’t going to do anything but cause me more strife!
And let’s not go to the man situation. I’m in one of my moods where I’m thinking about sex ALL THE TIME!!! I can’t help it! The men that I’m thinking about – well – yeah – I wish! I need to go get a shower and let this feeling pass. How is it that I think about being with men all the time and can’t get one! I never understood it. I have been going crazy!!!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Today was a good day. I had lots of energy! I haven’t had that in a VERY LONG time!!! I know that I shouldn’t have nibbled on turkey this evening, but I was hungry and wanted a little more than soup. I hope that it really doesn’t affect my weight loss. I know that I need to be very strict! This weight is finally coming off and I’m ecstatic!
Who would’ve thought that I would like MEDIFAST FOOD! But, I do! I’m determined. Now tomorrow, I’ve got to stick to the rules!!!
For some reason, I had a dream about “R” last night. Don’t have ANY clue as to why. He really hasn’t been on my mind for quite some time. I don’t know, but whatever the case, I hope he’s well…
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I’ve got a lot on my mind right now. I’ve been having some issues with circulation in my hands and feet. I was walking outside the other day and I got some pretty strong cramps in my calves. Dr. Andrea told me that my circulation is not as good as it should be. I was diagnosed being a pre-diabetic! Not only did that scare that crap out of me, but I also became really pissed off with myself, but the more things happen to me, the angrier I become. I know I'm doing something about it now, but this is no fun!
If I would have listened to my parents, I would have never gone through these situations! I know that if I were thinner at a younger age, things would’ve probably gone differently. I don’t know if I would’ve learned as much as soon as I did with the journey that I've been on previously. I DEFINITELY would’ve been sexually active. I know it! The way I think about men ALL THE TIME and how I know it would be great to be with them, to have that connection - Ugh!
I probably still would’ve been able to have kids, a monthly menstrual (not that I really miss that – I don’t think any woman would). I don't think I've shared some of my personal health issues with you. I'm not able to have kids due to the fact that I've had a partial hysterectomy. I had uterine fibroids really bad. I tried for an entire year to shrink them naturally, but my blood levels were dropping so low that it became critical to have the surgery. I'm able to have another woman carry for me, but I'm not able to do so myself. I deal with that emotion everyday. I also loved my beautiful breasts, but I'ma tell you, because of my weight, they were completely out of control! My first trip to a custom shop to get my bras made, the seamtress followed me into the dressing room to measure me. When I took off my bra and I watched her eyes get bigger than saucers, I tried to hide my shame. I was embarrassed when she walked out and tried to whisper to the other seamtress that she had never seen a size J cup before! Damn! Really! I had no idea my breasts were that big! After reality hit, I had to laugh when she came back to help me put on my new bra. While she was pulling up the bra straps, she socked me right in the face because the strap popped! Although I have popped many bra straps in my day, I never got punched in the face by someone else trying to help me get one on! I was done! Now, I'm a comfortable D cup. I can do things on an entirely different scale now. I can shop in regular stores for bras. I can even jog! I haven't been able to do that for over twenty years!
Although I know things would've been different, I'm trying to comprehend that what has happened in my life was supposed to have happened. I understand, but sometimes I just want to slap myself. It also seems that most, not all, but most thinner career driven women do better in life financially than obese women. Is that true? Do they get the bigger paycheck and more perks?
When it comes to men, I’m not happy with the fact that I’ve missed out on so much. I hear my girlfriends telling me that I’m not missing out on anything – that’s because they’ve already been through it and are able to tell me that it’s no big deal! What if their asses were in my shoes?! Would they be craving for the attention of a man?! Not being desperate, but just the natural instinct of being with someone! Come on! But, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want the attention of just any man – kinda been there – NEVER want that again! I've never dated, but I made the mistake of "messing around" with friends who wanted more than just being with me. My career allowed me to help people who strived to be in a career like mine. Being around them for business on a constant basis sometimes allowed other things to happen if you know what I mean! I know yall, I was naive! I still am a virgin - trust me - aint nothing been down there but soap & water! I never allowed it to go that far and when I didn't, they disappeared! I want a real man who wants a real woman. I do have an idea of what type of man I'd like, but I'm trying to keep an open mind...
I’m about to go to bed. I know I’m nowhere near done, but I need my sleep. I just need for things to get better! For my health, my wealth, my career, my man! Please! Right now, the most important of those is my health!!!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Once again, I’M PISSED!!! I wanted SO BAD to just eat a cookie and feel ok. I ate that sugarfree cookie today and I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread (which I haven’t had any of that either). My sister went to taste the cookie and just laughed at me. She said, “Now I know you haven’t had any sugar because this cookie tastes horrible”! I thought it was outstanding!
But, it’s true, I haven’t had ANYTHING sweet in a few months! I’m pissed! I was watching this show last evening and the women sat around the table with glasses of wine, olives, cheese, crackers & grapes! They were giggling, laughing, gossiping, having a great time! It was in the evening and then they went home to go to bed without any drama! Me – well, I would’ve been up all night scared because of my feet tingling, burning, numbing and probably scared that I raised my blood sugar to the point of becoming diabetic! I’M PISSED!!! I WANT TO BE HEALTHY AGAIN! I’M SO SORRY I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY HEALTH WHEN I HAD IT!!! I’M SO PISSED AND ANGRY WITH MYSELF! I’M SCREAMING BUT USING WORDS AS MY SCREAM! I’M MAD! I’M ANGRY, I’M PISSED! I WANT TO JUST RUN AROUND AND SCREAM, BUT I CAN’T EVEN DO THAT BECAUSE MY F---ING ANKLE AND KNEE MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO RUN! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET LIKE THIS! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!!!!! MY LIFE WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT RIGHT NOW IF I JUST WOULD’VE KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT AND STOP EATING!!!!! I’ve destroyed so much! The part that really pisses me off is that now that I know how badly I've treated my body, I'm working on doing something about it and the f---ing weight won't come off!!! I eat right, drink tons of water, exercise, take my vitamins and in the past 2 months, I've only lost 9 - yes, 9 pounds!!! Are you really kidding me right now! I’M PUTTING MY HEART IN TO THIS, EVERYTHING I GOT AND ALL I CAN LOSE IS 9 POUNDS!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE COME ON!!!! I NEED TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!! NOW!!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED HELP ----- BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!