Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Frustration!!!

Once again, I’M PISSED!!!  I wanted SO BAD to just eat a cookie and feel ok.  I ate that sugarfree cookie today and I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread (which I haven’t had any of that either).  My sister went to taste the cookie and just laughed at me.  She said, “Now I know you haven’t had any sugar because this cookie tastes horrible”!  I thought it was outstanding! 

But, it’s true, I haven’t had ANYTHING sweet in a few months!  I’m pissed!  I was watching this show last evening and the women sat around the table with glasses of wine, olives, cheese, crackers & grapes!  They were giggling, laughing, gossiping, having a great time!  It was in the evening and then they went home to go to bed without any drama!  Me – well, I would’ve been up all night scared because of my feet tingling, burning, numbing and probably scared that I raised my blood sugar to the point of becoming diabetic!  I’M PISSED!!!  I WANT TO BE HEALTHY AGAIN!  I’M SO SORRY I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY HEALTH WHEN I HAD IT!!! I’M SO PISSED AND ANGRY WITH MYSELF!  I’M SCREAMING BUT USING WORDS AS MY SCREAM!  I’M MAD!  I’M ANGRY, I’M PISSED!  I WANT TO JUST RUN AROUND AND SCREAM, BUT I CAN’T EVEN DO THAT BECAUSE MY F---ING ANKLE AND KNEE MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO RUN!  UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET LIKE THIS!  WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!  WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!!!!! MY LIFE WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT RIGHT NOW IF I JUST WOULD’VE KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT AND STOP EATING!!!!!  I’ve destroyed so much!  The part that really pisses me off is that now that I know how badly I've treated my body, I'm working on doing something about it and the f---ing weight won't come off!!!  I eat right, drink tons of water, exercise, take my vitamins and in the past 2 months, I've only lost 9 - yes, 9 pounds!!! Are you really kidding me right now!  I’M PUTTING MY HEART IN TO THIS, EVERYTHING I GOT AND ALL I CAN LOSE IS 9 POUNDS! 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  PLEASE COME ON!!!!  I NEED TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!!  NOW!!!!  PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I NEED HELP ----- BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

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