Saturday, November 20, 2010

What If...

I’ve got a lot on my mind right now.  I’ve been having some issues with circulation in my hands and feet.  I was walking outside the other day and I got some pretty strong cramps in my calves.  Dr. Andrea told me that my circulation is not as good as it should be.  I was diagnosed being a pre-diabetic!  Not only did that scare that crap out of me, but I also became really pissed off with myself, but the more things happen to me, the angrier I become.  I know I'm doing something about it now, but this is no fun!

If I would have listened to my parents, I would have never gone through these situations!  I know that if I were thinner at a younger age, things would’ve probably gone differently.  I don’t know if I would’ve learned as much as soon as I did with the journey that I've been on previously.  I DEFINITELY would’ve been sexually active.  I know it!  The way I think about men ALL THE TIME and how I know it would be great to be with them, to have that connection - Ugh!  

I probably still would’ve been able to have kids, a monthly menstrual (not that I really miss that – I don’t think any woman would).  I don't think I've shared some of my personal health issues with you.  I'm not able to have kids due to the fact that I've had a partial hysterectomy.  I had uterine fibroids really bad.  I tried for an entire year to shrink them naturally, but my blood levels were dropping so low that it became critical to have the surgery.  I'm able to have another woman carry for me, but I'm not able to do so myself.  I deal with that emotion everyday.  I also loved my beautiful breasts, but I'ma tell you, because of my weight, they were completely out of control!  My first trip to a custom shop to get my bras made, the seamtress followed me into the dressing room to measure me.  When I took off my bra and I watched her eyes get bigger than saucers, I tried to hide my shame.  I was embarrassed when she walked out and tried to whisper to the other seamtress that she had never seen a size J cup before!  Damn!  Really!  I had no idea my breasts were that big!  After reality hit, I had to laugh when she came back to help me put on my new bra.  While she was pulling up the bra straps, she socked me right in the face because the strap popped!  Although I have popped many bra straps in my day, I never got punched in the face by someone else trying to help me get one on!  I was done!  Now, I'm a comfortable D cup.  I can do things on an entirely different scale now.  I can shop in regular stores for bras.  I can even jog!  I haven't been able to do that for over twenty years!

Although I know things would've been different, I'm trying to comprehend that what has happened in my life was supposed to have happened.  I understand, but sometimes I just want to slap myself.  It also seems that most, not all, but most thinner career driven women do better in life financially than obese women.  Is that true?  Do they get the bigger paycheck and more perks?

When it comes to men, I’m not happy with the fact that I’ve missed out on so much.  I hear my girlfriends telling me that I’m not missing out on anything – that’s because they’ve already been through it and are able to tell me that it’s no big deal!  What if their asses were in my shoes?!  Would they be craving for the attention of a man?!  Not being desperate, but just the natural instinct of being with someone!  Come on!  But, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want the attention of just any man – kinda been there – NEVER want that again!  I've never dated, but I made the mistake of "messing around" with friends who wanted more than just being with me.  My career allowed me to help people who strived to be in a career like mine.  Being around them for business on a constant basis sometimes allowed other things to happen if you know what I mean!  I know yall, I was naive!  I still am a virgin - trust me - aint nothing been down there but soap & water!  I never allowed it to go that far and when I didn't, they disappeared!  I want a real man who wants a real woman.  I do have an idea of what type of man I'd like, but I'm trying to keep an open mind...

I’m about to go to bed.  I know I’m nowhere near done, but I need my sleep.  I just need for things to get better!  For my health, my wealth, my career, my man!  Please!  Right now, the most important of those is my health!!!!  

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