Sunday, March 27, 2011

Time To Let Go

When I was twenty-six, I was working for a very well known TV station.  I loved being there.  But, it was also a very stressful time in my life.  I was dealing with my highest weight, not dating and even though I loved working at the TV station, I wasn't in the department where I really wanted to be so, I was miserable.  This was also the year where a TWA flight crashed and I had to be the one in my department to log footage of the crash and bodies that were found.

I had some time off, so my sister and I decided to take a trip to Colorado to visit some family.  Well, once we got on the plane and was about 30,000 feet in the air, I began to get this tingling feeling at the top of my head.  It began moving throughout my body and it felt like someone was choking me, so my breathing was a little funny.  I unbuckled my seat belt and got up from my chair.  My sister asked me where was I going and I was just as honest as I could be.  I told her I was getting off the plane.  Without really paying any attention to me, she first said "okay", but then realized what I said, so she asked me again and I told her again, calmly, "I'm getting off of this plane".  Now, this was the time where the seat belt sign was still on, so the flight attendant came over to me and asked me to be seated.  I told her, "no" and began walking toward the exit door.  She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I needed to get off the plane - I couldn't breathe!  Well, when the other flight attendants came over, my sister was in shock because if she could've snatched me up and threw me back in my seat like my mom would have back in the day, she would have done just that!  The flight attendants were trying to calm me down and they finally were able to get me back to my seat, gave me a little oxygen, peanuts and wine to shut me up!

When we landed in Denver, I went to the emergency room and after the doctors checked me out, they came back to tell me that nothing was wrong with me.  What?!  They told me that I was fine, but that when I got back home, I might want to go speak with a therapist.  There was a possibility that I was having a panic attack!  You done lost your mind!  I told them that they were the ones that lost their minds, not me.  Come to find out that I had so much on my mind that I had been holding in, that my body needed to release that stress in some way.  Damn, couldn't I have just had a cocktail or sex or something!  I had to take my big behind on a plane and kirk out if front of strangers!  Needless to say, I'm fine now, but back then, who knew!

I was one to always hold things in.  I hated any type of confrontation, so I kept any thoughts that I wanted to say to others to myself.  Not a good look.  If fact, growing up, in order to make friends, I would buy them little gifts (candy, cards, etc).  I didn't know that holding in my thoughts and not standing up for myself caused so much trauma in my psychological or emotional life.  Holding in my thoughts about people also meant holding in my fears, holding in my dreams.  I didn't know this then, but I was apparently crying out desperately for attention.

When I was in my early 30's, thought I was "in love" with this man.  I catered to him and no matter what, was always there for him.  He was, at the time, everything I thought I wanted.  At first, it was a business relationship until one day, he told me that he wanted more from me.  I was very good with helping others with their relationship problems, but when it came to me, honey, I was very naive.  I didn't know that this man just wanted to "befriend" me to get to the next level of his career.  He knew that I was a virgin and he respected that.  But, I'm going to tell you, if I would've thought more with my heart instead of my mind, I would've lost my virginity to this one man!  I thought the sun rose and set around him.  Anything he needed, he didn't even have to blink.  I had it for him.  He became my world and of course, he knew that.  Needless to say, I found out the hard way that he wasn't interested in me.  I cried.  I cried so hard that it reminded me of one of my favorite movies, "Something's Gotta Give" with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton.  I cried in the shower, at my desk, waking up, going to sleep.  I can't tell you how many boxes of tissues I went through!  Oh well, I'll have to tell you more about him one day...

Once I started on this journey, I realized that some of the things that I've been holding on to, I've got to let go.  I can't blame others for things that have happened to me in the past.  I've got to take responsibility, forgive, let go and move on.  What good is it to hold on to past indiscretions?  They are just fears that need to be released from my life so that I can move forward to the positive beautiful life that stands before me.  It's not healthy to hold on to negative things.  They build up in your body and can cause major health issues.  Let it go!

Today, when I have things I need to get off my chest, trust me, I do speak up (logically), but when I'm angry, I exercise or take it out on the punching bag in my extreme boxing class.  I'm ready to accept great things in my life.  I'm ready to accept great health, a great career, helping others in their lives and possibly being blessed with a great man.  I'm not perfect.  No one on  this earth is.  I know that I am working on me during this journey and there are still some things or issues that I must confront and deal with.  Regardless, I know the most important thing that I must do in this lifetime, is to let it go!  Let things, issues, people, work related issues, family or friends that are negative all go.  And I say the same to you my beautiful friends - LET IT GO!  


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