Today's radio show was awesome! I had five of the most amazing women on sharing their stories about weight loss - their trials, tribulations and triumphs! I must say, I truly admire these women! Please listen to these amazing stories!!!! http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drandrea/2011/07/27/fit-sexy-empowered-for-life-wdr-andrea-crystal-smith.
Our conversation is not done! I am going to have these women back on the show next week, so definitely tune in!
Losing weight is an obstacle. I should've listened to my Mom growing up. I wouldn't be in this battle, but I'm here and definitely learning a lesson! As an adult, I'm learning so much about food, our bodies and how food affects it, exercise and the kinds of exercise that are actually going to enhance the weight loss and how to cope with the mental and emotional aspects of the challenging part of life!
Keep moving and getting strong mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually! Eventually, the weight will release itself from you - for good!!!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
No Fear
I've been confronted with some mental and emotional issues during this weight loss journey. Before I share, I'm so proud to say that I'm now down 75lbs - weight now at 260!
This has been a very long and emotional road. As you know, it was a fear issue that got me really serious about losing weight. When I found out back in October that I was pre-diabetic, I was scared! I knew that I had to get this weight off of my body and stop playing with the fact of doing a "wanna be" weight loss regimen. The goal was to reverse these diabetic symptoms and stay healthy for life! I've noticed that even with 75lbs off of my body, I still get symptoms every once in awhile. I don't want to come to any conclusions until I see my doctor, but I know that I'm fighting hard every single day to do the right thing for my health for once in my life!
Now is not the time to get scared. Now is the time to get my thoughts together, stay positive, continue to eat right, exercise and stay on my journey for life! I know that these symptoms will reverse. I know that I'm getting healthier and stronger every day! I'm determined! Yes, I will get my blood tested to make sure my blood sugar levels are okay, but I know that I have to take care of my health! No one else lives in this body besides me and my maker.
Do me a favor? Stay healthy! Do what you know you need to do in life to keep your body strong. It will not only help you physically, but it will help you mentally, spiritually and emotionally. It is a blessing! And what more can you ask for than to be strong and healthy so you too can be a blessing to others!
This has been a very long and emotional road. As you know, it was a fear issue that got me really serious about losing weight. When I found out back in October that I was pre-diabetic, I was scared! I knew that I had to get this weight off of my body and stop playing with the fact of doing a "wanna be" weight loss regimen. The goal was to reverse these diabetic symptoms and stay healthy for life! I've noticed that even with 75lbs off of my body, I still get symptoms every once in awhile. I don't want to come to any conclusions until I see my doctor, but I know that I'm fighting hard every single day to do the right thing for my health for once in my life!
Now is not the time to get scared. Now is the time to get my thoughts together, stay positive, continue to eat right, exercise and stay on my journey for life! I know that these symptoms will reverse. I know that I'm getting healthier and stronger every day! I'm determined! Yes, I will get my blood tested to make sure my blood sugar levels are okay, but I know that I have to take care of my health! No one else lives in this body besides me and my maker.
Do me a favor? Stay healthy! Do what you know you need to do in life to keep your body strong. It will not only help you physically, but it will help you mentally, spiritually and emotionally. It is a blessing! And what more can you ask for than to be strong and healthy so you too can be a blessing to others!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Loving You? No, Loving Me!
Now that I'm losing all of this weight (which by the way, I'm down 70lbs now - yeah!), I'm not only looking at my physical body, noticing all of the changes, but I'm also digging deep into my mental and emotional issues as well.
I'm feeling more confident about myself. I don't have to grab my shirt and pull it down in the back every five minutes to try to hide the hump that usually clings to my shirt and reveals more to the world than I wish. When I go to the gym, I wear form fitting workout gear now. No more baggy shirts! I want to see my body! Now, I'm not a size 6, but I am the smallest I've been since I was 20-years-old. To date, I am 265lbs! I have 30lbs left to achieve my goal of 100lbs lost by my 41st birthday! I WILL get there and then some! My final weight goal I'd like to be between 135-150lbs.
I went to Lane Bryant this weekend looking for an outfit for an event I have to go to this week and usually, my shirts are 22-24. I grabbed a 18-20 and a 14-16 (just to see how far away I am from wearing this size). The 14-16 top was actually baggy on me!!! It's a stretchy material, but WHO CARES - IT FITS GREAT! My pants (both jeans and dress pants), I usually wear a 26-28. I can proudly say that I'm now comfortably wearing a size 20! I am focused and will continue this weight release!
As far as my mental and emotional levels of comfort, let me just say, I was tested a few weeks ago. I know I told you that I have only loved two men in my life besides my Dad. Both of these men I've known for years. Well, one of my best girlfriends was in town a few weeks ago and we met up for lunch. She hadn't seen me since I started my journey and was extremely surprised and happy to see my accomplishments. Where we met for lunch was an area that I stayed away from for several years because it was an area that I used to frequent with this man that I cared so much about (talk about fear). My friendship with this man was pretty good in the beginning. He was my first true love and trust me, he meant so much to me that he could've got all my goodies! It was almost like I was back in high school once again. Remember those feelings of excitement, butterflies in the stomach, wondering if he's thinking about you all day like you were thinking about him, well, that was me. The only problem with that was, it was only me. He didn't feel the same way I did. He was even honest and told me that he just wanted to be friends, but I would listen to my heart and then some of our friends would co-sign on what my heart was telling me, so I fell right in. Needless to say, it didn't turn out the way I wanted.
During lunch with my girlfriend, I just didn't feel comfortable. I was thinking what would happen if I saw him again? When I was at home or at the gym, I was cool because I wasn't anywhere near him. I would say to myself that I probably wouldn't see him again, but if I did, I'd be okay. What?! What do you mean that you thought you'd be okay? How could a human being have such a hold on another human being's heart?! It's a lot deeper than that. I had to realize that no one has a hold on you unless YOU allow it! Crystal, you are stronger and better than that! You've come a LONG way and no matter who it is that has affected you in the past or will become a part of your future, understand that they need to be happy that they are with you! Sure, don't let the ego get the best of you, but you love you and you are blessed, so rock it!
Any way, while my girlfriend and I were in this area, guess who I bumped into after 6 years? You guessed it! After the hot flash past me by, it turned out to be a very good reunion! He definitely noticed the weight loss and breast reduction (LOL)! Being around him made it feel like "the good" old times. It was really nice seeing him again. We hugged and it reminded me of that security I felt with him in the past, but I had to realize that it's just a friendly hug that I give to all of my friends and that I am secure within myself! Time to move forward! Now all is right in the world.
I speak and try hard to stay positive everyday. I want my subconscious to know that I'm a beautiful strong individual that's conquering fears from my past and ready to conquer my career and continue to move forward in helping others strive to achieve their purpose in life! It was good seeing the man that I loved for so long again. I know that when God blesses me with the right man, I'll know! He'll see me and accept me for who I am and so will I...
I'm feeling more confident about myself. I don't have to grab my shirt and pull it down in the back every five minutes to try to hide the hump that usually clings to my shirt and reveals more to the world than I wish. When I go to the gym, I wear form fitting workout gear now. No more baggy shirts! I want to see my body! Now, I'm not a size 6, but I am the smallest I've been since I was 20-years-old. To date, I am 265lbs! I have 30lbs left to achieve my goal of 100lbs lost by my 41st birthday! I WILL get there and then some! My final weight goal I'd like to be between 135-150lbs.
I went to Lane Bryant this weekend looking for an outfit for an event I have to go to this week and usually, my shirts are 22-24. I grabbed a 18-20 and a 14-16 (just to see how far away I am from wearing this size). The 14-16 top was actually baggy on me!!! It's a stretchy material, but WHO CARES - IT FITS GREAT! My pants (both jeans and dress pants), I usually wear a 26-28. I can proudly say that I'm now comfortably wearing a size 20! I am focused and will continue this weight release!
As far as my mental and emotional levels of comfort, let me just say, I was tested a few weeks ago. I know I told you that I have only loved two men in my life besides my Dad. Both of these men I've known for years. Well, one of my best girlfriends was in town a few weeks ago and we met up for lunch. She hadn't seen me since I started my journey and was extremely surprised and happy to see my accomplishments. Where we met for lunch was an area that I stayed away from for several years because it was an area that I used to frequent with this man that I cared so much about (talk about fear). My friendship with this man was pretty good in the beginning. He was my first true love and trust me, he meant so much to me that he could've got all my goodies! It was almost like I was back in high school once again. Remember those feelings of excitement, butterflies in the stomach, wondering if he's thinking about you all day like you were thinking about him, well, that was me. The only problem with that was, it was only me. He didn't feel the same way I did. He was even honest and told me that he just wanted to be friends, but I would listen to my heart and then some of our friends would co-sign on what my heart was telling me, so I fell right in. Needless to say, it didn't turn out the way I wanted.
During lunch with my girlfriend, I just didn't feel comfortable. I was thinking what would happen if I saw him again? When I was at home or at the gym, I was cool because I wasn't anywhere near him. I would say to myself that I probably wouldn't see him again, but if I did, I'd be okay. What?! What do you mean that you thought you'd be okay? How could a human being have such a hold on another human being's heart?! It's a lot deeper than that. I had to realize that no one has a hold on you unless YOU allow it! Crystal, you are stronger and better than that! You've come a LONG way and no matter who it is that has affected you in the past or will become a part of your future, understand that they need to be happy that they are with you! Sure, don't let the ego get the best of you, but you love you and you are blessed, so rock it!
Any way, while my girlfriend and I were in this area, guess who I bumped into after 6 years? You guessed it! After the hot flash past me by, it turned out to be a very good reunion! He definitely noticed the weight loss and breast reduction (LOL)! Being around him made it feel like "the good" old times. It was really nice seeing him again. We hugged and it reminded me of that security I felt with him in the past, but I had to realize that it's just a friendly hug that I give to all of my friends and that I am secure within myself! Time to move forward! Now all is right in the world.
I speak and try hard to stay positive everyday. I want my subconscious to know that I'm a beautiful strong individual that's conquering fears from my past and ready to conquer my career and continue to move forward in helping others strive to achieve their purpose in life! It was good seeing the man that I loved for so long again. I know that when God blesses me with the right man, I'll know! He'll see me and accept me for who I am and so will I...
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
GOODBYE...
So much has been going on during this last month! I'm happy to report that I've lost another 8 pounds, which is a total of 68 pounds gone! I am well on my way to accomplishing my year goal of 100 pounds off my body for good!
This has also been a very eye opening, heart felt week. My cousin past away last Monday. She was only 32. She weighed over 300 pounds, had Crohn's Disease and Diabetes. What was crazy was that she was doing okay, so we thought. Things were under control and she was working on losing her weight. She was a beautiful young lady with an incredible smile! She will definitely be missed by many...
Thinking about my cousin and all of her health complications really made me take this road to weight loss even more serious than I already am. I've got this personal trainer who is dynamic in every way. His name is Dewey Admiral Fanning, III. Let me tell you, when I went to my first boxing class and I heard his name, Dewey, I thought, well, this will probably be a nice class that will allow me to sweat a little. I knew that with a name like Dewey, he was probably going to be a cute little guy who loves to work out and will be a "Energizer Bunny"! Well, when I heard the door slam and I turned around, I saw this 6'3" big intimidating looking man with the body that is shaped like those cartoons that we watched when I was growing up (the upside down triangle). I started to panic and had every right to do so! Dewey is crazy! He lets you know just how crazy he is and will prove that at any given moment!
There are rules when entering his class, like the military. Once the door is closed, you don't leave, you don't drink your water until he tells you, you don't wipe you face with a towel until he tells you (what?!), if your shoe lace becomes loose, call him over and he will tie it for you, and most of all, you don't stop moving his entire class unless he tells you!!! YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MIND! AND I'VE LOST MY MIND FOR DOING IT!!! After working out in his boxing class for the 1st time, I walked (barely) out of his class with my clothes soak and wet - ALL OF THEM - HAIR INCLUDED!!! Now, I'm addicted. Dewey is my personal coach as well as my trainer of all the classes I take 6 days a week. If you're in the Maryland area and want to meet Dewey, stop by Brick Bodies in Reisterstown, Maryland! Trust me, if you have weight you need to get off or just want to look great by summer, he will get you there!!!
I'm really pushing the envelope now. I'm encouraged and determined more than ever to get this weight off of my body and keep it off for good! This is not just about the physical weight, it's also about the mental and emotional weight that I've been carrying for years! It's all coming off and I'm more excited than ever to say, GOODBYE!!!!
This has also been a very eye opening, heart felt week. My cousin past away last Monday. She was only 32. She weighed over 300 pounds, had Crohn's Disease and Diabetes. What was crazy was that she was doing okay, so we thought. Things were under control and she was working on losing her weight. She was a beautiful young lady with an incredible smile! She will definitely be missed by many...
Thinking about my cousin and all of her health complications really made me take this road to weight loss even more serious than I already am. I've got this personal trainer who is dynamic in every way. His name is Dewey Admiral Fanning, III. Let me tell you, when I went to my first boxing class and I heard his name, Dewey, I thought, well, this will probably be a nice class that will allow me to sweat a little. I knew that with a name like Dewey, he was probably going to be a cute little guy who loves to work out and will be a "Energizer Bunny"! Well, when I heard the door slam and I turned around, I saw this 6'3" big intimidating looking man with the body that is shaped like those cartoons that we watched when I was growing up (the upside down triangle). I started to panic and had every right to do so! Dewey is crazy! He lets you know just how crazy he is and will prove that at any given moment!
There are rules when entering his class, like the military. Once the door is closed, you don't leave, you don't drink your water until he tells you, you don't wipe you face with a towel until he tells you (what?!), if your shoe lace becomes loose, call him over and he will tie it for you, and most of all, you don't stop moving his entire class unless he tells you!!! YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MIND! AND I'VE LOST MY MIND FOR DOING IT!!! After working out in his boxing class for the 1st time, I walked (barely) out of his class with my clothes soak and wet - ALL OF THEM - HAIR INCLUDED!!! Now, I'm addicted. Dewey is my personal coach as well as my trainer of all the classes I take 6 days a week. If you're in the Maryland area and want to meet Dewey, stop by Brick Bodies in Reisterstown, Maryland! Trust me, if you have weight you need to get off or just want to look great by summer, he will get you there!!!
I'm really pushing the envelope now. I'm encouraged and determined more than ever to get this weight off of my body and keep it off for good! This is not just about the physical weight, it's also about the mental and emotional weight that I've been carrying for years! It's all coming off and I'm more excited than ever to say, GOODBYE!!!!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Conquer & Move Forward!
I'm making moves and I need your support! Dr. Andrea Pennington is one of the best doctors on the planet! She's also a very dear friend and colleague of mine. She's helping me get this weight off and keep it off for good! She just announced today on her radio show (Empowered for Life) that I'm her new co-host!
If you can, please tune in to our show and follow us! We get outstanding guests, give great health advice and motivate along the way! It's time to conquer our fears! It's time to say goodbye to unhealthy fat around our hearts and on our bodies! It's time to find great activities to do around town! It's time to meet new people! It's time to shine!
Crystal Smith
If you can, please tune in to our show and follow us! We get outstanding guests, give great health advice and motivate along the way! It's time to conquer our fears! It's time to say goodbye to unhealthy fat around our hearts and on our bodies! It's time to find great activities to do around town! It's time to meet new people! It's time to shine!
Crystal Smith
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Keep Pushing!
Hey Beautiful People! It's been a minute since we've talked. I've been working out extremely hard!
I've made some strides in my workouts that I thought I'd never be able to do. I'm boxing now twice a week. I have this boxing trainer that is "off the hook"! When you enter his class, he shuts the door. You are not allowed to leave until the class is over. You can't drink water, wipe your face off with your towel or even tie your shoes unless he tells you. But, the most important part of this class, you can't stop moving! We're in class for about an hour to and hour and a half! Keep moving or else the entire class has to pay with some form of exercise! Lately, it's been jump-n-jacks in sets of 25. They increase as you mess up! Crazy! But, I'm so in love with this class!
I'm also still doing my bootcamp twice a week and trust me when I say, I'm pushing hard to get as great as the rest of my team in the class! One full hour of non-stop cardio! It is truly a calorie burning session that makes you ponder on your life choices once your done! Ha! Both classes do that for me! I know that I've NEVER worked this hard in my life and guess what? I'm loving every minute of this! I'm on a workout high and I don't ever want to come down!
This is a short one today, but when you get a chance, I need your support by listening to me on Dr. Andrea's radio show on BlogTalkRadio. She has two incredible shows on there - one on Friday nights 11pmEST called, "SEX eFAQ" shttp://www.blogtalkradio.com/sexefaqs. It's a show all about healthy great sex. She's also a health sex doctor and it's a great informational program. The other which I've been guest co-hosting for the past several weeks called, "Empowered for Life". Here we talk about health, weight and life. Here is the link to our latest show: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drandrea/2011/04/13/weight-success-tele-seminar-part-4-charting-your-progress. Please show your support.
I'm going to keep doing what I do best right now and that's to get this weight off, bring my blood sugar down and get back into my career! I miss being in front of the camera! And guess what? I'm not that afraid to shine anymore! No more being self-conscious!
I know that I will be able to help so many people out here that may be going through some of the same issues. It's a life long journey - losing weight and staying healthy, but I'm in it for the long haul. Let's do this together!
I've made some strides in my workouts that I thought I'd never be able to do. I'm boxing now twice a week. I have this boxing trainer that is "off the hook"! When you enter his class, he shuts the door. You are not allowed to leave until the class is over. You can't drink water, wipe your face off with your towel or even tie your shoes unless he tells you. But, the most important part of this class, you can't stop moving! We're in class for about an hour to and hour and a half! Keep moving or else the entire class has to pay with some form of exercise! Lately, it's been jump-n-jacks in sets of 25. They increase as you mess up! Crazy! But, I'm so in love with this class!
I'm also still doing my bootcamp twice a week and trust me when I say, I'm pushing hard to get as great as the rest of my team in the class! One full hour of non-stop cardio! It is truly a calorie burning session that makes you ponder on your life choices once your done! Ha! Both classes do that for me! I know that I've NEVER worked this hard in my life and guess what? I'm loving every minute of this! I'm on a workout high and I don't ever want to come down!
This is a short one today, but when you get a chance, I need your support by listening to me on Dr. Andrea's radio show on BlogTalkRadio. She has two incredible shows on there - one on Friday nights 11pmEST called, "SEX eFAQ" shttp://www.blogtalkradio.com/sexefaqs. It's a show all about healthy great sex. She's also a health sex doctor and it's a great informational program. The other which I've been guest co-hosting for the past several weeks called, "Empowered for Life". Here we talk about health, weight and life. Here is the link to our latest show: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drandrea/2011/04/13/weight-success-tele-seminar-part-4-charting-your-progress. Please show your support.
I'm going to keep doing what I do best right now and that's to get this weight off, bring my blood sugar down and get back into my career! I miss being in front of the camera! And guess what? I'm not that afraid to shine anymore! No more being self-conscious!
I know that I will be able to help so many people out here that may be going through some of the same issues. It's a life long journey - losing weight and staying healthy, but I'm in it for the long haul. Let's do this together!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Time To Let Go
When I was twenty-six, I was working for a very well known TV station. I loved being there. But, it was also a very stressful time in my life. I was dealing with my highest weight, not dating and even though I loved working at the TV station, I wasn't in the department where I really wanted to be so, I was miserable. This was also the year where a TWA flight crashed and I had to be the one in my department to log footage of the crash and bodies that were found.
I had some time off, so my sister and I decided to take a trip to Colorado to visit some family. Well, once we got on the plane and was about 30,000 feet in the air, I began to get this tingling feeling at the top of my head. It began moving throughout my body and it felt like someone was choking me, so my breathing was a little funny. I unbuckled my seat belt and got up from my chair. My sister asked me where was I going and I was just as honest as I could be. I told her I was getting off the plane. Without really paying any attention to me, she first said "okay", but then realized what I said, so she asked me again and I told her again, calmly, "I'm getting off of this plane". Now, this was the time where the seat belt sign was still on, so the flight attendant came over to me and asked me to be seated. I told her, "no" and began walking toward the exit door. She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I needed to get off the plane - I couldn't breathe! Well, when the other flight attendants came over, my sister was in shock because if she could've snatched me up and threw me back in my seat like my mom would have back in the day, she would have done just that! The flight attendants were trying to calm me down and they finally were able to get me back to my seat, gave me a little oxygen, peanuts and wine to shut me up!
When we landed in Denver, I went to the emergency room and after the doctors checked me out, they came back to tell me that nothing was wrong with me. What?! They told me that I was fine, but that when I got back home, I might want to go speak with a therapist. There was a possibility that I was having a panic attack! You done lost your mind! I told them that they were the ones that lost their minds, not me. Come to find out that I had so much on my mind that I had been holding in, that my body needed to release that stress in some way. Damn, couldn't I have just had a cocktail or sex or something! I had to take my big behind on a plane and kirk out if front of strangers! Needless to say, I'm fine now, but back then, who knew!
I was one to always hold things in. I hated any type of confrontation, so I kept any thoughts that I wanted to say to others to myself. Not a good look. If fact, growing up, in order to make friends, I would buy them little gifts (candy, cards, etc). I didn't know that holding in my thoughts and not standing up for myself caused so much trauma in my psychological or emotional life. Holding in my thoughts about people also meant holding in my fears, holding in my dreams. I didn't know this then, but I was apparently crying out desperately for attention.
When I was in my early 30's, thought I was "in love" with this man. I catered to him and no matter what, was always there for him. He was, at the time, everything I thought I wanted. At first, it was a business relationship until one day, he told me that he wanted more from me. I was very good with helping others with their relationship problems, but when it came to me, honey, I was very naive. I didn't know that this man just wanted to "befriend" me to get to the next level of his career. He knew that I was a virgin and he respected that. But, I'm going to tell you, if I would've thought more with my heart instead of my mind, I would've lost my virginity to this one man! I thought the sun rose and set around him. Anything he needed, he didn't even have to blink. I had it for him. He became my world and of course, he knew that. Needless to say, I found out the hard way that he wasn't interested in me. I cried. I cried so hard that it reminded me of one of my favorite movies, "Something's Gotta Give" with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. I cried in the shower, at my desk, waking up, going to sleep. I can't tell you how many boxes of tissues I went through! Oh well, I'll have to tell you more about him one day...
Once I started on this journey, I realized that some of the things that I've been holding on to, I've got to let go. I can't blame others for things that have happened to me in the past. I've got to take responsibility, forgive, let go and move on. What good is it to hold on to past indiscretions? They are just fears that need to be released from my life so that I can move forward to the positive beautiful life that stands before me. It's not healthy to hold on to negative things. They build up in your body and can cause major health issues. Let it go!
Today, when I have things I need to get off my chest, trust me, I do speak up (logically), but when I'm angry, I exercise or take it out on the punching bag in my extreme boxing class. I'm ready to accept great things in my life. I'm ready to accept great health, a great career, helping others in their lives and possibly being blessed with a great man. I'm not perfect. No one on this earth is. I know that I am working on me during this journey and there are still some things or issues that I must confront and deal with. Regardless, I know the most important thing that I must do in this lifetime, is to let it go! Let things, issues, people, work related issues, family or friends that are negative all go. And I say the same to you my beautiful friends - LET IT GO!
I had some time off, so my sister and I decided to take a trip to Colorado to visit some family. Well, once we got on the plane and was about 30,000 feet in the air, I began to get this tingling feeling at the top of my head. It began moving throughout my body and it felt like someone was choking me, so my breathing was a little funny. I unbuckled my seat belt and got up from my chair. My sister asked me where was I going and I was just as honest as I could be. I told her I was getting off the plane. Without really paying any attention to me, she first said "okay", but then realized what I said, so she asked me again and I told her again, calmly, "I'm getting off of this plane". Now, this was the time where the seat belt sign was still on, so the flight attendant came over to me and asked me to be seated. I told her, "no" and began walking toward the exit door. She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I needed to get off the plane - I couldn't breathe! Well, when the other flight attendants came over, my sister was in shock because if she could've snatched me up and threw me back in my seat like my mom would have back in the day, she would have done just that! The flight attendants were trying to calm me down and they finally were able to get me back to my seat, gave me a little oxygen, peanuts and wine to shut me up!
When we landed in Denver, I went to the emergency room and after the doctors checked me out, they came back to tell me that nothing was wrong with me. What?! They told me that I was fine, but that when I got back home, I might want to go speak with a therapist. There was a possibility that I was having a panic attack! You done lost your mind! I told them that they were the ones that lost their minds, not me. Come to find out that I had so much on my mind that I had been holding in, that my body needed to release that stress in some way. Damn, couldn't I have just had a cocktail or sex or something! I had to take my big behind on a plane and kirk out if front of strangers! Needless to say, I'm fine now, but back then, who knew!
I was one to always hold things in. I hated any type of confrontation, so I kept any thoughts that I wanted to say to others to myself. Not a good look. If fact, growing up, in order to make friends, I would buy them little gifts (candy, cards, etc). I didn't know that holding in my thoughts and not standing up for myself caused so much trauma in my psychological or emotional life. Holding in my thoughts about people also meant holding in my fears, holding in my dreams. I didn't know this then, but I was apparently crying out desperately for attention.
When I was in my early 30's, thought I was "in love" with this man. I catered to him and no matter what, was always there for him. He was, at the time, everything I thought I wanted. At first, it was a business relationship until one day, he told me that he wanted more from me. I was very good with helping others with their relationship problems, but when it came to me, honey, I was very naive. I didn't know that this man just wanted to "befriend" me to get to the next level of his career. He knew that I was a virgin and he respected that. But, I'm going to tell you, if I would've thought more with my heart instead of my mind, I would've lost my virginity to this one man! I thought the sun rose and set around him. Anything he needed, he didn't even have to blink. I had it for him. He became my world and of course, he knew that. Needless to say, I found out the hard way that he wasn't interested in me. I cried. I cried so hard that it reminded me of one of my favorite movies, "Something's Gotta Give" with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. I cried in the shower, at my desk, waking up, going to sleep. I can't tell you how many boxes of tissues I went through! Oh well, I'll have to tell you more about him one day...
Once I started on this journey, I realized that some of the things that I've been holding on to, I've got to let go. I can't blame others for things that have happened to me in the past. I've got to take responsibility, forgive, let go and move on. What good is it to hold on to past indiscretions? They are just fears that need to be released from my life so that I can move forward to the positive beautiful life that stands before me. It's not healthy to hold on to negative things. They build up in your body and can cause major health issues. Let it go!
Today, when I have things I need to get off my chest, trust me, I do speak up (logically), but when I'm angry, I exercise or take it out on the punching bag in my extreme boxing class. I'm ready to accept great things in my life. I'm ready to accept great health, a great career, helping others in their lives and possibly being blessed with a great man. I'm not perfect. No one on this earth is. I know that I am working on me during this journey and there are still some things or issues that I must confront and deal with. Regardless, I know the most important thing that I must do in this lifetime, is to let it go! Let things, issues, people, work related issues, family or friends that are negative all go. And I say the same to you my beautiful friends - LET IT GO!
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